October 15, 2018

I don’t know if we’re celebrating the end of 6 years or beginning of 6 years because I’m terrible with numbers. Jon keeps trying to explain it to me, but I keep not paying attention. I don’t know how I survived the first semester of calculus except to chalk it up to sheer will power and determination. It didn’t last long though, I quit because it was senior year of high school and I could go to the beach instead so I did that. We were married November 2012 so something like that. Also, disclaimer, I never dated before so if this sounds naive, it’s because I was! Jon Farmer was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first husband so there was a lot of learning involved.

I hope in sixty years, people will say about us, “And they lived happily ever after.” The tricky thing about happily ever after is that it’s understood like a prediction or a guarantee, except when it’s actually more of a destination or conclusion. It isn’t, “They’re going to live happily ever after.” The past tense of live implies a looking back, a history. Because happily ever after isn’t just hope or dice roll or tea leaves, it’s work. And I know nothing could sound more romantic because I cried a lot our first year of marriage, mostly because I only wanted to play. I remember telling my friend we fought all the time when we never fought dating, and she couldn’t understand why. She was also married 6 or 7 years at the time with three kids. I get her confusion now. I mistakenly thought marriage would be just like dating but all the time.

It is and but it mostly isn’t. Dating is so shiny and new and sparkly, but marriage is like exchanging glitter for gold. There’s depth, weight, and a lot more heart at stake. For instance, you get to spend so much more couch time with your partner, except it’s less making out and more actually watching the show. And that made me sad! You don’t go out all the time because the dual income now goes to both partner’s bills and credit cards, and you want to start building something together with your incomes. He’s not trying to impress you with flowers because flowers are like $10 and that’s coffee for two. (Also, we were so terribly poor our first year so if you have more money then you can just laugh with us.) So you dedicate a Saturday morning to paying bills and creating a budget instead of adventuring. You don’t see each other as much because you’re busy chasing your dreams and the person you’re with wants that for you too. You’re not having sex late at night because you have to be up early in the morning and table it for the weekend before falling asleep exhausted. And the ugly mean things within, you thought were because of everyone else, comes out with your special person too! Talking through how the other person hurt me, why it triggered my hurt, how I reacted and why it wasn’t appropriate, how the other person can communicate better, how I can communicate better, and game plan how to get better together. Talking through it all is work! And you have nowhere to hide, no apartment to go home too where you can be alone and ignore the issue. There’s so much apologizing and embarrassment and forgiveness in marriage. Oh man, our first year was magic and a shit ton of disappointment. Like when I tried to make Jon’s favorite lasagna but ended up ruining it by putting a lot of celery in it. Boy you can really taste celery!

I was mostly disappointed because I thought it would only be cuddles and adventures and laughing. And it was a lot of that, but also a lot of being held accountable and adulting and needing to change.

*As a feminist, I understand people’s wariness to changing for a partner, especially women. The systemic abuse and oppression of women, people of color, women of color has left a bitter taste in people’s mouth. So I want to preface this by saying, love yourself. That’s number one. And number two, please, don’t date an asshole. I have a strong sense of self and know how deeply I am loved by my family and that instilled a love for myself in me from a young age. Assholes love insecurity and a lack of self-esteem so don’t give it to them. In high school and college I had crushes and thoughts boys were cute but never seriously thought about dating. Looking back, I think it helped that I was a bit of an ugly duckling, though I had no idea at the time, and I’m really thankful for that. I didn’t know if I even wanted to get married. I honestly didn’t think anyone deserved me. I was a touch delusional.

But as an adult who loves her self and knows her worth, I can confidently say, I need to change. I am so far from perfect it’s painful to look at honestly. And since I’m in love with someone who loves me more than he loves himself, yes, I need to change for him too. Because if I wanted my life to just be for me, I shouldn’t have gotten married. My mom says that all the time, if you don’t want to compromise, then be by yourself and stop torturing Jon. She’s right like 99% of the time. My dreams are no longer my own, my money is no longer my own, my body is no longer my own. We belong to each other. And just as much as he belongs to me, so I belong to him. So if I say my critical nature and quick temper are just who I am, but it continues to hurt the people I love, am I really winning? And honestly, because of my strong personality and arrogant nature, I would never have seen the virtue of what I am arguing unless Jon Farmer lived it first for years. Example: He needs to resolve things right away while I need time to cool down and not spit the meanest shit ever, so he gives me time to cool down and lives with the tension despite how uncomfortable it makes him. 6 years and then some later, I cool down a lot quicker so it’s like half an hour instead of half a day. He is the first to apologize, the first to ask forgiveness, the first to turn towards me when I am turned away. He is the first to change and make strides in meeting me in my hurt.

Of course, this is just my interpretation of marriage or a long-term-relationship and everyone is entitled to their opinion. But now that I understand “Happily ever after” is really just a history of arguments, cold shoulders, disappointments, alongside late night pizza, inside jokes, happy sighs and dreaming together, it makes a lot more sense. So here’s to many more years of changing and growing and loving.